By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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