i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
