I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
