All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize