woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
that is very illegal...i love you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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