i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
