she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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