Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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