Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
