im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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