Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
