I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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