You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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