I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
