I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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