While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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