Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
