Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
