So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize