weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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