Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
