He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
