So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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