I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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