I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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