About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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