im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
