does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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