I accidentally burped into my bong.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
