The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
