I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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