I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
