A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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