your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
