I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
