I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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