[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
