Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize