dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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