Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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