He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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