plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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