before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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