his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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