You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
