This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
