he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
