So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
