Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Randomize
