Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
