hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
