When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
