watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
