Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
