I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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