she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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