Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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