My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
