I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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