my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
