Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize