Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize