I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
