And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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