I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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