I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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