Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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