i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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