I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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