should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
